What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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