I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
