Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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