how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
