my phone needs a breathalizer
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
