if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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