My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
