You just made me feel so damn special
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
why do cheetos always look like penises
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The uberlube is also flammable
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
