i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
