Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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