Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize