Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
