He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
