Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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