Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
