i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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