I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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