Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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