I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize