I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
