I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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