I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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