i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
