So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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