I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The Olympian is in my bed
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
