I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
