Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
