Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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