His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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