Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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