dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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