mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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