She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize