there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
