Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
