if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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