i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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