i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
