I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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