I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
