Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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