we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
