dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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