Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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