i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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