sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
