At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
