someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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