I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
