So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Randomize
