I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
