is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I love having hate sex.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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