I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
