I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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