I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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