Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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