And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
